Hope

The first relationship was Young, Wild N Proud.

I was fifteen, naive and just a little kid. Being in a relationship with someone you have never been friends with before seemed like a pretty good idea at the time. The fact how we both lived in different worlds got me intrigued. Getting on bikes, karaoke, going to football matches, I was new to this. I was at the curious phase, in fact we both were. You would constantly get into arguments with your mum just so you could fit my lifestyle. We both were naive. I remember walking under the night sky, with your arms wrapped around me, we were both singing rock and roll 90s love songs on the top of our lungs and everything seemed perfect.

My second relationship was You and Me Against The World.

I was seventeen and I fell for the boy I have never known my whole life. You knew me back when I was a dorky ass  at USJ 4 school, always sleep inside the class and you would annoy me to the fullest because you got a lot of friends who always reported to you of what I'm doing in the class. Luckily we're not in the same school. But I saw in your eyes everything was a game to you back then. I would watch my friends fall for you and you would brag to me how good of a player you were. "Don't hate the player, hate the game" But you fell for me, hard. Dating you was different, in so many levels. You knew every part of me, the little things. We would isolate ourselves from everyone, because all I needed was you. I would fall asleep on your shoulder every time we were dating in  7 months straight to songs we often heard in the day, we would drive around the city, looking at massive bungalows and imagine how our future would be. We would neglect our priorities, the things we promised we would prioritize before we dated, just so we could spend a little more time together. I remember giving it another shot and I remember how you still gave me the butterflies. In fact, you always will.

My third relationship was Forever and Always.

The boy I screwed up all my relationships for. The boy I dated in 2008. And 2009. And now 2015. 2015 still the same. I would mess up every relationship I was in because you seemed so intriguing. Maybe it was how your eyes would light up whenever you look at me, or that loop sided mischievous smile of yours or how I can never resist a good boy. You were rebellious and that sure seemed exciting as hell back then. You seems very serious, but then im the one who would never commit. I started fell for you in October '15 but now, things changed. I can't even begin to explain how fucked up the relationship we had. You wanted me all to yourself and things in my past bothered you because of the sole fact that you were insecure. But I believed in forever and always, I believed in wanting to make things work because few years ago, I did feel something but with the wrong guy. And for the first time in all my relationships, I tried and I gave my all. You changed me, in so many ways. Trust me Mohd Saiful Zil Ikram.

But I was young. We all were.

Lovins For Fools

Love. Oh love. Love. Lurve Luv, l-o-v-e. It’s pretty odd isn’t it how we crave for this four letter word..What is even more odd is that we seek high and low for people to say this word to, instead of learning this rush of emotions. I mean how do you know it is love if every time someone made your heart beat twice as fast, you claim that you are in love? You claim that this time it’s different, you know it is and you know for a fact you have said this exact line not to long ago. But then again, what could I possibly know? After all, it is subjective. My definition of love and your definition of love could be from alternate universe.

Is it defining that you are only mine and I am only yours? The morning texts and what are you up tos with basically the same replies? The curfews you put on your “other half” to show that “you care”?  Just so you could change your relationship status on Facebook and post cute happy photos on Instagram? Go to the most beautiful places in the world, taking tremendous of photos just so you could put it up? Not actually acknowledging the beauty right in front of your eyes. I want to understand. I want to understand. Help me understand.

These days, I notice myself being terrified of learning people. I mean what’s the point really. It’s usually the same thing isn’t it? The past few months have consisted of me asking myself questions, constantly. It comes to a point where I felt so alone, that we are super subjective that how is it possible to find someone who was just like me? You meet people, you meet people that tell you they understand, but little did we realize, that their understanding and their perspective could be different, could even be slightly different from yours. Doesn’t it bother you? That you are your own self. It scared me for a while; I’ve never felt so alone.

I became spiteful of new people. After all, it was like a repetitive pattern. They ask you the ritual questions. Where you live, what are you going to do, what’s your dreams and then it starts to become a compatibility test. What’s your favourite music, your favourite movie. You hear answers but deep down, you wish to hear YOUR answer, names that you are familiar with, like an anchor point to connect you to this person with similarities, that if he or she said something that you knew, or liked, then this person could be your soul mate. This is it, this is the one. It’s amazing how in spite of all the failed relationships or close to relationships or dates or people you come across with, you still seek for someone who is just like you. We want something different but we never change.

I don't think we really know what it takes to be a nice person. When we were kids,  we were taught to say please and thank you. Up until today, I never fail to say my Ps and Qs for those simple words could put a smile on a person’s face, even a stranger!

But when you’re 21, when you’re 21 and you went to a shit high school and you spent the past 7 years meeting people who failed to plaster that smile on your face, I guess it is logical for you to build a wall and have trust issues. I mean who do we blame? We were naïve and they made the wrong decisions. I don’t think anyone wishes to be bad. I think people make wrong decisions every day, but then again, who are we to decide what is right or wrong? I feel it is rather ignorant for us to decide, don’t you think so? It is ignorant for us to think that we are living the supposedly “right” life and anyone that goes out of the supposedly normal pattern of the world is considered “wrong”. Hey they’re adults too, love. I’m sure they can take care of themselves. And if they can’t, and if they fall, be that person that brings them up again.

I guess people tend to forget how it was to be nice. People forget that if you needed a hand, all you need to do is ask. And people forget that we are scared too, you shouldn’t think it’s just you. People forget that discussing about a friend’s being isn’t really out of concern but merely something to discuss. People forget that being honest helps and mind games don’t really work on us especially when we live in oblivion. I think people forget that pointing out a person’s flaws out of humour or rather anger is considered disrespectful. And you shouldn’t be mad at them, because they don’t know, they don’t realize the damage they have done that things like that would scar us for life.

People never seem to forget about scars though. Well, I don’t. People don’t realize that telling a 9 year old her hair was unflattering would result her into having her hair tied up still, 10 years later. People also don’t realize that people who stutter don’t choose to stutter, and sometimes they try really hard not to stutter, but words don’t happen to be their thing you know? And you honestly should be okay that some people aren’t as capable, as long as they’re trying. It’s ignorant isn’t it, how we assume we know a person’s life just by looking at them, looking at their photos, yet the real conversation is going on in the person’s mind, so please, before you decide, before you assume, before you say something, take a walk in their shoes and don’t let ignorance be the death of you.

What if the term selfish doesn’t exist? What if you could leave school, your job, your friends, your family, what if you could leave that comfortable queen sized bed, that white sheets, your couch, your tv, your incredible speakers, what if you could leave the blissful feeling of being alone from midnight to five in the morning where you lay on your couch, scrolling through Tumblr, searching for new music, what if you just leave everything, buy a one way ticket to somewhere you have always been curious about and to never return? What if the idea of being connected to your family is just something that has been programmed in our brain? What if you never really do connect with people and all this while you were just trained to think family is the one that will always know whats best for you, because it’s f-a-m-i-l-y. The word itself holds such a big responsibility, stops you from doing the most insane thing in the world, because you are about to lose something that is known to be significant in your life. What if the idea of something being significant differs from one person to another? What if I don’t think love is the highlight of my life? What if I wanted to move to Greece, what if I didn’t mind living in a small house, what if I wanted to sell vegetables in the morning just because I like watching the sun rise by the beach, what if I enjoyed the smell of the rain at 6 am and loved the little conversations you have with these people who bothered to wake up at this time of the day? What if I could spend the whole afternoon painting on canvases that never sell, what if I am allowed to die without having remotely anyone significant but still treat everyone with respect?

It’s amazing isn’t it that you could do all of this yet still there this little subconscious exist in your mind, telling you that you will always wonder if this is ever enough because it doesn’t go with what society believes is enough, because society believes that we all have the same kind of happiness. It’s interesting, isn’t it.

Funny Thing Is (Childhood) (+playlist)

I will

Some day, I want to be selfish. I won't reply to any text. I won't pick up the calls. I will disappear whenever I want to. I will just leave people hanging. I won't ask if they're okay. I will cancel plans on the last minute, I will bail on my friends when they need me. Basically, I will ignore the one that I love, push them away and turn up again whenever I please. Just like what everyone doing to me. But deep inside I know I won't do these things because I know how much it hurts to be waiting, to be pushed away, only to get yourself fucked over again. 

A true friend is someone who never gets tired of listening to

your pointless drama over and over again (: